Since it's almost Halloween I decided to make my first blog post about fear. Not phobias or fear of ghosts or horror movie scenarios but fear of change. People who never lived with mental health issues or constant fear of harm will look at people who have these struggles and wonder why they don't want to get better or don't want to leave volatile situations because from the outside it looks easy. "Go to therapy, get on meds, move away from your parents, find a different job, or leave abusive relationships." From the outside people see a problem that has a solution and to these outside observers it is that simple; apply solution to the problem and reach resolution. But for those of us who live in these situations it's anything but simple. No one knows your reason why it's not easy for you, so don't let them tell you what you should do, think, or feel.
If you've only known anxiety, fear, sadness, or emotional dysregulation the idea of living in a world where you can feel safe and calm, and experience good things is absolutely terrifying. Because if you never experience or expect good things you can't be disappointed when they don't happen. It's the devil you know mindset. Yes you are unhappy, on edge, or unsafe but at least you know what to expect from your life. If something good might happen you can be equally scared that it won't happen, or it will happen. It might be scary if something good does happen because you haven't felt positive emotions for so long they don't feel natural. A lot of my clients have trouble with the feeling of excitement because it can feel a lot like anxiety.
I was afraid of change a long time ago. I have had depression my entire life. I cringe when my older relatives tell me I was such a quiet child because I want to tell them that I was depressed, and I really really wish they had noticed. I want to say thank you to all my therapists throughout the years who let me go at my own pace. Even when my pace was like crawling out of the darkness, not walking or running, not even baby stepping out of the darkness; crawling out with many pauses to rest and adapt to the changes in myself and my life that were new and scary. My therapists understood my reasons to doubt that I could get better or that my life could get better and supported me anytime something good I had hoped for didn't happen or something bad did happen by letting me pause but not letting me retreat, by valiantly challenging my automatic negative thoughts, especially my all or nothing thinking, and by finding something positive from the experience, even if the only positive was that I handled the situation better than I would have a few weeks or months ago.
Now think about your own life. What would it feel like if the first step towards your goal was handling a similar situation better than you would have in the past? That's not a bad start and doesn't feel as scary as trying to picture your entire situation being different.
I recently watched a TikTok about doing it scared and that's how I live my life now but if you had told me to do it scared when I was already constantly scared I would have looked at you like you had three heads and one of them was speaking a different language. I'm not suggesting that you should do it scared I'm encouraging you to take the first step towards something better by doing what you can tolerate, even if that is just calling, texting, or emailing a therapist. (Tip: Emails are usually less scary because you don't have to say anything out loud and they're easier to follow up on later) Allow yourself to feel proud of that first step. If that first attempt at contract left you feeling drained or anxious and you don't respond to their response, you are not alone. But I can guess the next part of your thought process is the belief that you waited too long to respond back to them and now it's either embarrassing or too late. Therapists don't think that way about prospective clients. We aren't judging you if you pop back up weeks later to schedule an appointment, there's nothing to be embarrassed about and it might not be too late. I can't guarantee that there will be availability with the therapist you contacted but you should still try because that therapist probably has other therapists they could recommend.
Change can be scary, but you don't have to all at once and you don't have to do it alone.
Alena Porter, LPC
October 30, 2024
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